Side Effects Cubed

Rubik's Cube? Is that what we're talking about?

So, third treatment!

Is that smile starting to look forced?

Out of twelve. Holy schnikes, this is going to take forever.

Discouragement is a real thing when you're on chemo. It feels like nothing will ever be good again. Some of the side effects: hurting mouth (no mouth sores yet, hallelujah), nasty metallic taste in my mouth that I cannot get rid of for more than a few minutes (seriously, nothing works), altered tastebuds (I no longer enjoy sweet stuff nearly as much, which maybe is a good thing?), nausea, digestive issues (eww), hurting/peeling/itching skin, headaches, trembling hands (enough that sometimes it's hard to type properly), a vague sense of malaise, and utter exhaustion paired with an inability to fall asleep.

And when I talk about exhaustion or fatigue, here's what it looks like for me. I stood up and walked from my bedroom to the kitchen and started seeing black spots in front of my eyes. I had to sit down and pant for a good three minutes before I was okay to stand up again. Now, it's not that bad all the time. But when it is, it feels like my world shrinks to the confines of my bedroom walls.

Yesterday, my wife and I drove up into the mountains. It was gorgeous. The sun was shining, everything was green, and it was just a beautiful day. It made me so happy.

The mountains tend to have that effect on me. But the truth was that yesterday, I was just happy to get out of the house. So much so that I got a little giddy.

Thing is, I go up into the mountains and that whole seeing black spots thing (accompanied with tingly fingers) intensifies quite a bit. So, instead of getting out and walking around, taking in all of the glorious nature, we just drove back down.

And I guess that's okay. It's where I am at the moment.

The issue is, I know that if I'm more active, the chemo will go better. I'll feel less crappy. But in order to feel less crappy, I have to do things that... well, make me feel crappy. And sometimes those things can be a little scary to experience. I can't really afford to take a nosedive anytime soon. One of my vertebra is halfway collapsed due to the cancer wrapped around my spine, so any kind of serious fall could really mess me up. Like, permanent paralyzation kind of mess me up.

I mean, that's within the realm of possibility, at least.

So, how far do I go? How much do I push?

Historically, I haven't been very good at listening to my body. I mean, it took me almost 7 months of severe back pain to finally get an MRI. And that was cancer. So, you see what I'm talking about.

But if I listen to my body now, all I want to do is lie in bed and watch Veronica Mars (I didn't watch when it was on originally, so now I have SO MANY EPISODES TO GET THROUGH). Thank you Kristen Bell. And 90's fashion.

I can't spend the entirety of my treatments holed up in my bedroom. But that seems to be exactly what my body wants. And listening to our bodies is normally a good thing.

But so are antioxidants. And right now, a lot of the science points towards bursts of antioxidants as being a negative thing during chemotherapy. You know, since the chemo drugs are all about oxidation.

So maybe right now I just have to largely ignore what my body is saying to me.

We'll see how that goes.
----------------

Up next, fun with IVs.

Next post.