Firing God

Do you know how hard I had to look for something that wasn't 45?
I feel dirty.

In twelve-step circles, they talk a lot about "God as you understand God." In other words, you pick a higher power that works for you. Karma, the universe, the group conscience, your higher self, Elohim, Jehovah, Krishna or Shiva--it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that you discover a higher power that works for you.

Mine didn't.

I could spend hours days weeks months years eons talking about my issues with God, my specific religion, organized religion in general... That might make for an interesting conversation at a party (but wait, we're not supposed to talk about religion in polite society), but I'm not positive that it would make a compelling blog entry. Not that this blog is about being compelling. Really it's about me venting. Putting words out into the ether to help to organize, purge or otherwise deal with the thoughts that bounce around in my head.

For the love of all that's holy, thoughts, PLEASE stop moving
around so much. I'd like to get a good night's sleep for once.

Anyhoo, let's just say that I have issues. So. Many. Issues.

As a child, I had a very black and white idea of God and right and wrong. Clearly delineated categories for each sin it was possible to commit. Punishments attached. Stuff like that.

The older I got, the more nuanced those ideas became, but the gist of it all was the same. My God was... judgmental, harsh, demanding, often cruel, a bit of a Santa Claus figure, a bit racist, homophobic, transphobic, old, male, white...

Republican.

That God wasn't working for me anymore. I didn't particularly like Him. I certainly didn't have a good working relationship with Him. I held all kinds of resentments toward Him, not the least of which is the fact that He allowed me to really damage people I cared about--my wife, my kids, my friends, my students. Yes, I'm aware of how twisted that thinking is, but what can I say? The monkey may be off my back, but the circus is still in town.

But he's such a cute monkey. And so very pensive.

One way or another, things in my spiritual department needed some massive restructuring. So, guess what I did?

I fired God.

Yes, I'm fully aware of how blasphemous that sounds, and if it hurt or offended you, I'm truly sorry. Also, it's the only way I know how to describe it. I took everything I "knew" about deity (and truly, what the hell are we thinking when it comes to that? Know? Ha!) and chucked it out the proverbial window.

Defenestration. Try it sometime.

So, what does my new higher power look like? I'll tell you.

My God is kind, loving, gentle, never judgmental or cruel, wants the best for me (and everyone else, of course), and would never, ever reject anyone for any reason, even when they're at their worst. My God embodies both the divine masculine and the divine feminine and every place in between (or completely separate from that false binary). This God is down with people of color and even (gasp) Democrats. My God is love, pure and simple.

And I love my God. So, so much.

This is maybe something you could try. What bugs you about your image of God? Dig deep. Root it all out. Toss what you don't like, keep what's left, and make up $#!+ to suit you. It even works for agnostics and atheists. An equal opportunity God.

All right. Imma go now, before I'm struck by lightning.
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Tune in tomorrow, when we take a walk on the wild side--when you have cancer, you get a handicap parking placard, y'all!

Next post.