Losing My Relig... Oh, Wait. Those Are My Eyebrows

Up close and personal. Too close and WAY too personal.

This is what my eyebrows look like nowadays. Also my eyelashes. The eyebrows are definitely not as thick as they once were. The eyelashes are almost nonexistent at this point. I'm starting to look like an alien.

The one on the right is during chemo rage. It's pretty accurate.

Or, you know, a chemo patient.

Up to this point, I haven't really looked like I was doing chemo. I'm already bald, so losing the hair on my head was much less of a thing. I keep it trimmed down or shaved, so the fact that the follicles were getting thinner didn't really register. I didn't lose my beard, although it did get a lot softer.

There were good things and bad things that went along with that lack of visual confirmation. The good? Well, I didn't have anyone ask me if I was sick or doing chemo. No real assumptions, either. My appearance was pretty much normal. If you looked closely, you might notice the dark circles under my eyes, or that thousand-yard stare that chemo patients start to have.

Most people don't look closely.

The bad? Kinda the same, actually. I didn't have anyone ask me if I was sick or doing chemo. No one knew unless or until I told them. So, when I would do things like sit out in the foyer on the soft chairs during church, the only real reason anyone could come up with is that I really like soft chairs. Or that I'm anti-social.

Actually, that's not far off the mark, TBH.

It's lonely, carrying around a secret like that. Also, it can be confusing or even disconcerting to others when things don't match up in their minds. I was given a handicapped parking placard. I can't remember if it was just because of the chemo, or if it was because I essentially have a broken back. Regardless, parking in a handicapped parking space when you're not clearly handicapped can come along with some serious side eye.

What you talkin' about, Willis?

Anyhoo, my eyebrows. And eyelashes. And dark bruising under my eyes. So, basically, the entire eye region. Jacked up.

I like my eyebrows. They are (or were) thick and well-shaped. I like my eyelashes. They were longish, which I didn't mind at all. Gave my eyes a nice little smoky smolder (please, don't disabuse me of my self view).

And now I'm feeling kinda ugly.

In the past, that's been a really nasty place for me to be. I get all depressed and needy and stuff. Now, there's probably a little bit of that, but it's more just another acknowledgment of, "Hey, dude. You have cancer."

True. Thanks for that.

I've spoken before about my undeserved vanity around my appearance. Not only do I think of myself as a cheap Johnny Depp knockoff without the lovely mane of hair, I also have this odd belief that I'm still somewhere in my early- to mid-thirties.

Ahem.

I'm almost fifty.

Thing is, I find that I like that. I now have a desire to live to see old age. I'm not sure I always had that. There was always some idea in the back of my head that I would die fairly young.

Nope.

I politely decline.

I plan on sticking around for a good, long while.

You know what's really bothering me? The lack of normalcy in my life. And I think that's why I've been down the past few days. I know things aren't normal. My body reminds me of that every single day. I wake up, and my body says, "**** you! Go back to bed!"

But now my mirror's telling me too. That feels like insult to injury.

I'm sure there are things I could do. I could get an eyebrow pencil and fill in some of the patchiness. I could probably find false eyelashes for chemo patients (how exactly would one phrase that search?). But that's not the point. I don't need to be attractive right now. I'd like to be cast-able as an actor (something that has started to become a concern for me), but this whole thing is temporary. I know that. I can survive until after chemo, then start picking up the pieces.

Y'all, I directed a film shoot the other day! And it was amazing!

So it's not like I'm completely out of it. I just have to let some things go. Not get riled up because I'm losing all the hair around my eyes.

Now, if I could just get the mirror to play nice...

I suppose that's just too much to ask.
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In our upcoming post, I wax poetic about all things sugary that I can no longer eat.


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